The Place I Did Not Plan

I remember a time in my mid 20's when I had come to a pretty clear decision of what I believed my life would look like. I have always been an intentional person. I like goals. I like achieving goals. I like clear cut paths and solvable problems. So, after college, I started working as a nurse, but I was always focused on the non-career aspects of my life where I thought God was really calling me to be an exemplary woman. I wasn't really sure where "home" would be, but I was determined to find it. I wanted to be married, have a few children, maybe transition to a part-time nurse. Then I could utilize my nursing skills to serve in the church, maybe some summer camps, and become that Mom with a hot meal on the table and yard so cool all the neighborhood kids are begging to move in. I dreamt of front porch rocking chairs, nurturing teen-age girls just like the beautiful women who had covered me in love and wisdom throughout my life. So, I'm sure you would be shocked to find out that over a decade later, these dreams have not been realized for me. In fact, I've had quite the opposite experience.

I remember one conversation so perfectly the words still ring in my ears. I had been a nurse for just a few years and had embarked on the adventure of travel nursing (taking short term contracts at hospitals around the nation) leaving my wonderful post-college home in Tennessee to find a new world. It was 2016 and Washington, D.C. presented a unique opportunity. Anticipating the election season being a busy one, hospitals were staffing up for the increase of people who would attend all sorts of election activities and ceremonies. While D.C. was never a bucket list of places to live, the deal made sense. Packing all I could in the trunk of my Honda accord, I trekked across the country and joined the bustling, big city.

During this contract, I had become close with one of the nurse practitioners (NP). One night shift, we were working the "Urgent Care" side of the ER and it was just her and I. As we saw patients, our night moved in a balanced rhythm, a constant flow of people shifting in and out of rooms, sifting through their problems, deciding their severity, and responding as needed. I loved it. And I love the ER at night for this very reason. It's our own world of controlled chaos. Finally, we came to a lull in our shift. We sat together at the desk. I asked her about her life, about dating, about marriage. I asked her how old she was. She told me about the woes of dating in a big city, people tend to marry later, build careers and there's a lot of casual dating or people move away. She also said it didn't affect her too much because her plate was full with this job, how she loved what she was doing and how I could be a good NP too. She encouraged me to pursue it. She was passionate. I'm sure if I had dreamt of a life calling in a career the way she had; I surely would have been enraptured with her energy. But the more she talked, the more I could feel my eyes grow and sheer horror settle over my face. She finished her recruitment spiel and stood up to see the next patient. "Just think about it. You could absolutely do it if you want to." I nodded. I could feel my braid bouncing on my back as I tried to look happily interested instead of mortified.

As she walked away, I thought to myself, "I will never ever, ever be 33, single, a NP working at a hospital in Washington, D.C. That will not be me." I nodded to myself as that clearly had settled it. I just wouldn't live in D.C. I just wouldn't go to grad school. I would just get married and move forward with my goals like I had planned because that was how I was going to be the most exemplary woman and the most fulfilled version of myself possible. The terror started to subside. I did not need to worry about being a spinster. It was a solvable problem. I just wouldn't make those decisions and I would have a different outcome.

Of course, God in His infinite wisdom, and quite clearly - in His love of humor, had a different plan. I left D.C. at the close of that contract. I went on to try teaching, volunteered as a camp nurse, had several other travel nurse adventures, worked at an ER in Minnesota near my family in the summers, and eventually.... ended up in grad school, where I started as an NP at that same hospital, in Washington D.C.... at the ripe old age of 33.

But I love it! It absolutely blows my mind to see the opportunities I have now, the patients I get to care for. I even get to sit at the table with incredible phyisicans to discuss how to change our community and our world. For God, in His deep mercy, instead of giving me what I had determined I needed, He instead gave me dreams I had not dreamt. He brought me places I would never have discovered. He walked me gently down winding paths to places where I could meet Him in ways I would have never been able to if He had given me what I so desired in my 20s. And so now I laugh. Because He gave me a journey I did not want, to bring me a Joy I had not known existed.

I still dream of a "someday", with a home, and a husband, a beautiful kitchen where I can host and have life changing afternoon conversations. But I am so grateful He knew my passions, gifting, and hobbies before I knew they existed. I love the way He has used my wonderful adventures to show me the vastness of this world, the beauty of His creation, and give me the only Joy that does not fade when desires are left unmet, timelines tick by unanswered, and doors close without explanation. He is that Joy.

So dear friend, do not despair. You are not alone. If the journey has started to make less sense, and the path seems to be headed the wrong way, do not fear that God is taking you where you do not want to be. (He may just be doing exactly that.) But it will be wonderful. Because the God who made you, knows you and your deepest needs. He understands your ultimate best and is bringing you your most satisfying joy. He's bringing you to Him. It is not just for your good- It is Good.